I was travelin' down that lonesome road
These past decades the highway's been my home
Stopped into Ariston off Route 66
That's south of Winnipeg and north of Texas
With hash browns so burnt, and eggs so raw
You'd make an Idahoan cry and hear the chicken's squall
I sat in the corner booth with that particular conundrum
Do I want the Salisbury steak
or do I dare the liver and onion?
I laid eyes on somethin' I knew nothing about
I tell you good buddy, I was knocked right out

By Big Butt Billy
Big Butt Billy
Well how'd ya ever get those tiny little britches on
Well good God almighty, hail Satan
I've never seen a finеr they them
Than Big Butt Billy

Yeah, sеttin' a fresh cup of joe in front of me
Was an elfin specimen of the nonbinary quantity
Saying "Hey sweetie
what do you want on the top or on the side? "
I said "Hoo! Hey Billy, say, what do you like? "
So fair with blue hair and that septum piercing
And a bone structure that I find mighty appealin'
What a callipygian angel sweet Jesus has gifted us!
I'm trying to tell you buddy, that ass was ridiculous

On Big Butt Billy
Big Butt Billy
Well how'd ya ever get those tiny little britches on
Well good God almighty, hail Satan
I've never seen a finer they them
Than Big Butt Billy

They brought me a meal so heavy and fine
I had to unhitch the wagons and sit a while
And contemplate the great mysteries of life
As Billy filled my coffee for a third dang time
And asked if I wanted pie
And I did
Now some of you friends might
find this all kinda inappropriate
I'm here to tell you: just friggin' get over it!
Beauty is truth and truth is booty and be smart!
You can't put nookie on a sympathy card
You gotta find it for yourself
And who's bringin' me a piece of pie for my health

But Big Butt Billy
Yeah

Yeah I'm into what I'm into but I left pretty quick
I even made sure that I double tipped
I didn't dare leave my name and number on a napkin
So you can't tell me I ain't a perfect gentleman
But every now and then, every so often
I think of what might have been
And I say this for the record, for posterity
That what I left behind is the kind
of posterior that troubles your mind

I'm talkin' about the kind of big bold brash
bountiful brick doo-doo house that might inspire
these hairy-eyed long-haulers to the sort of
ocular circumnambulations that generate loud
and vulpine "Awoogas! " as in the days of yore
The kind of keister that might suggest direct
interposition of the hand of God in the
anterior matter of this young colt and or filly
for how else might such a voluminous
pantaloon-buster come to be on this green earth
My word who let you out of the house carryin'
that thing around in front of your mom and everybody!

And I say oh let it be blessing enough weary pilgrim
To sanctify this dilly-dally, this caffeinated lollygaggery
Let it sanctify the wheat toast of
every Sysco diner coast-to-coast
Make holy, holy the delicate waggle of the yolk
jelly, and jam
Wherein the rod of my anger shall be consumed in the glory
Of the great doo-wop doo-wop and the candy apple vinyl
And the lemon curd slack-jawing muddle of
the talk of hay prices amongst the old folks
And those with high statures shall come and be humbled
By the fruitful soul and body
of the chalice-bearing neophyte
And the fryer shall lay down with the lamb chop
And righteousness shall be the girdle of our loins
Along these addled highways wherein my
obsessive primate brain endlessly seeks out attraction!
Affection! And dare I say, love

From Big Butt Billy
Big Butt Billy
Well how'd ya ever get those tiny little britches on
Well good God almighty, hail Satan
I've never seen a finer they them
Than Big Butt Billy

I guess I'm goin' over to the Farm and Fleet
To look upon the wonders of humankind
Somethin' about a forty-five
dollar motel room and a good dream
That makes me feel like a king at night