I was travelin' down that lonesome road

These past decades the highway's been my home

Stopped into Ariston off Route 66

That's south of Winnipeg and north of Texas

With hash browns so burnt, and eggs so raw

You'd make an Idahoan cry and hear the chicken's squall

I sat in the corner booth with that particular conundrum

Do I want the Salisbury steak

or do I dare the liver and onion?

I laid eyes on somethin' I knew nothing about

I tell you good buddy, I was knocked right out

By Big Butt Billy

Big Butt Billy

Well how'd ya ever get those tiny little britches on

Well good God almighty, hail Satan

I've never seen a finеr they them

Than Big Butt Billy

Yeah, sеttin' a fresh cup of joe in front of me

Was an elfin specimen of the nonbinary quantity

Saying "Hey sweetie

what do you want on the top or on the side? "

I said "Hoo! Hey Billy, say, what do you like? "

So fair with blue hair and that septum piercing

And a bone structure that I find mighty appealin'

What a callipygian angel sweet Jesus has gifted us!

I'm trying to tell you buddy, that ass was ridiculous

On Big Butt Billy

Big Butt Billy

Well how'd ya ever get those tiny little britches on

Well good God almighty, hail Satan

I've never seen a finer they them

Than Big Butt Billy

They brought me a meal so heavy and fine

I had to unhitch the wagons and sit a while

And contemplate the great mysteries of life

As Billy filled my coffee for a third dang time

And asked if I wanted pie

And I did

Now some of you friends might

find this all kinda inappropriate

I'm here to tell you: just friggin' get over it!

Beauty is truth and truth is booty and be smart!

You can't put nookie on a sympathy card

You gotta find it for yourself

And who's bringin' me a piece of pie for my health

But Big Butt Billy

Yeah

Yeah I'm into what I'm into but I left pretty quick

I even made sure that I double tipped

I didn't dare leave my name and number on a napkin

So you can't tell me I ain't a perfect gentleman

But every now and then, every so often

I think of what might have been

And I say this for the record, for posterity

That what I left behind is the kind

of posterior that troubles your mind

I'm talkin' about the kind of big bold brash

bountiful brick doo-doo house that might inspire

these hairy-eyed long-haulers to the sort of

ocular circumnambulations that generate loud

and vulpine "Awoogas! " as in the days of yore

The kind of keister that might suggest direct

interposition of the hand of God in the

anterior matter of this young colt and or filly

for how else might such a voluminous

pantaloon-buster come to be on this green earth

My word who let you out of the house carryin'

that thing around in front of your mom and everybody!

And I say oh let it be blessing enough weary pilgrim

To sanctify this dilly-dally, this caffeinated lollygaggery

Let it sanctify the wheat toast of

every Sysco diner coast-to-coast

Make holy, holy the delicate waggle of the yolk

jelly, and jam

Wherein the rod of my anger shall be consumed in the glory

Of the great doo-wop doo-wop and the candy apple vinyl

And the lemon curd slack-jawing muddle of

the talk of hay prices amongst the old folks

And those with high statures shall come and be humbled

By the fruitful soul and body

of the chalice-bearing neophyte

And the fryer shall lay down with the lamb chop

And righteousness shall be the girdle of our loins

Along these addled highways wherein my

obsessive primate brain endlessly seeks out attraction!

Affection! And dare I say, love

From Big Butt Billy

Big Butt Billy

Well how'd ya ever get those tiny little britches on

Well good God almighty, hail Satan

I've never seen a finer they them

Than Big Butt Billy

I guess I'm goin' over to the Farm and Fleet

To look upon the wonders of humankind

Somethin' about a forty-five

dollar motel room and a good dream

That makes me feel like a king at night